samvara

Part of me is sad it took me this many years to get the hang of it. The rest of me is just pleased I’ve had the experience of being able to deal with it with kindness, and no lingering unhappy feelings on my part (my main goal).

I have found – through a lot of (unwilling) experimentation – that ignoring is not fruitful, humour or retaliation escalates, and angry responses express how I feel, but have no positive impact on the other person. Worse, since their goal is to enrage me and enjoy it, I have helped them with their goal and reinforced their awful behavior.

This time though, this time I was calm and safe (enough) that I could make eye contact and say hey, that feels like fun for you, but when you taunt someone to make them angry it’s called bullying. I am lucky that this was enough to dissolve the situation and for the first time when it was over I wasn’t still left vibrating with helpless rage.

This has been a work in progress for what feels like my whole life. I grew up in a household where it was normal and ‘hilarious’ to poke people with sharp verbal sticks. I then moved on to a ‘witty’ social group at university where scoring points for being verbally sharp was a marker of social status. I’ve since selected for people whose sense of humour is not cruelty based and who value kindness over verbal social competition. It’s taken me years to build that community and I still have certain… instincts shall we say both in attack and defense. I am trying to learn how to let them go.

I owe a lot to the people who have loved me and made it possible to be safe without constant verbal self-defense. transcendancing  for example is profoundly skilled in this area and her delicacy and care have patched parts of my soul. maharetr  is a constant, gentle presence whose openness to dialogue I am grateful for every day. *beams* chaosmanor  and cupidsbow  who form the rest of my household are also profoundly safe people, meaning my home is not just hilarious and full of robots, but is also a haven. I'm also incredibly lucky in that my father has grown into a person who is profoundly kind and gentle, I did not expect it.

An excellent resource for describing the feminist-baiting dynamic is The Terrible Bargain We Have Regretfully Struck which identifies it clearly as bullying – a word that now carries considerable weight in work environments I have been in, and am now part of.

My walk home from work is past a fruiting mulberry tree, it's a good way point. I survive the HAZARDOUS remaining 600 meters knowing my own darling little tree is also fruiting and in a moment of genius chaosmanor suggested a smoothie. My life, it is awesome.

 

My second warning from Western Power recently arrived informing me in no uncertain terms to cut back tree limbs that may impact on power lines in storms. Alas, my three attempts to lure brother J. into helping me were devastated by his current work schedule - he has a ute, an extension ladder and the fabulous quality of being about 6'3" (he has many other fabulous qualities as well).

I managed to get to the first tree by putting a stool on my very sturdy letter box and standing on it. This got me higher than maharetr's much appreciated stepladder but the second tree was an inside job. I climbed stupidly high carrying a saw, wedged myself in a suitable fork and patiently sawed through a critical branch as the rain started up, or rather down. I tried to enjoy the view, the patter of raindrops on the leaves, my inexorable progress and the gift that is ambidexterity when you're trapped in a tree with a handsaw. Below me, the woofer tried to convince passers that he and his tennis ball had been abandoned and were in need of loving attention.

Me (2), Trees (0)

This week I delivered what I hope was a reasonably comprehensible version of the ‘You got told what you did was inappropriate/sexist/racist, and then you made it about your hurt feelings (and this is a problem)’ talk.

Thank you for giving me the insight to recognise this dynamic and the vocabulary to talk about it. Thank you for sharing ways to express it, and for positioning me to do so with equanimity.

It is worth pointing out again that when I say these things it is because I care enough to want to keep talking to you. You may feel temporarily hurt or unhappy, and I am sorry that personal growth is sometimes painful, but I am doing it because I want to keep talking to you in the future – I hope you do too.

Much Love, Me

My Sunday lunch - loafing and shopping in Freo with cupidsbow 



Hat, beet, mango, hackysac, book & henna 

The delightful Sarah Rees Brennan continuing her tradition of being awesome.

This last week was brilliant, I caught up with friends and family (including my gorgeous but rarely seen cousin) and got cuddles from all of them. This has been a great birthday – thank you to everyone for making it fun and making me feel loved.

• emergency gardening with middle brother (no one fell out of any trees)
• birthday party with friends and balloons and balloons and dessert (and balloons!)
• breakfast with pop who is finally back from Sydney, he has cool stories to tell and love to pass on (and spare 500GB portal HDDs for me - yay! *guiltily backs up data*)
• dinner with baby brother, mama and cousin (we are scarily in synch; me Mama and cousin all thought Cyclamens would make a good present this year - they do!)
• bought new front tyres for Lambert (replaced now completely munted spare with the less crappy one)

I have a snug little nest in J's giant, denim beanbag and his cat Mini-May is purring on my feet. I also have the flu, a vast amount of grapes, no obligations and have caught up on enough sleep to be functional. The internets and I have almost finished reconciling after our long separation and I have Supernatural Con tomorrow!

• Does anyone have a Dreamwidth invite they could throw my way? *does anime eyes*