samvara

In fabulous news G. only had aggressive diffuse large B cell lymphoma and we're now in cycle 3 of 6 of chemotherapy - did you know you're not supposed to kiss babies when you're full of chemo drugs? I've now been to the Emergency Department of three different hospitals and hung out in four - very good knitting opportunities. I feel like I should get frequent flyer points or a 'patient transfer' sticker for my car or something.

We're in the market for a good henna painter / tattooist what with the hair loss and excellent canvas space emerging. Any recommendations?

Part of me is sad it took me this many years to get the hang of it. The rest of me is just pleased I’ve had the experience of being able to deal with it with kindness, and no lingering unhappy feelings on my part (my main goal).

I have found – through a lot of (unwilling) experimentation – that ignoring is not fruitful, humour or retaliation escalates, and angry responses express how I feel, but have no positive impact on the other person. Worse, since their goal is to enrage me and enjoy it, I have helped them with their goal and reinforced their awful behavior.

This time though, this time I was calm and safe (enough) that I could make eye contact and say hey, that feels like fun for you, but when you taunt someone to make them angry it’s called bullying. I am lucky that this was enough to dissolve the situation and for the first time when it was over I wasn’t still left vibrating with helpless rage.

This has been a work in progress for what feels like my whole life. I grew up in a household where it was normal and ‘hilarious’ to poke people with sharp verbal sticks. I then moved on to a ‘witty’ social group at university where scoring points for being verbally sharp was a marker of social status. I’ve since selected for people whose sense of humour is not cruelty based and who value kindness over verbal social competition. It’s taken me years to build that community and I still have certain… instincts shall we say both in attack and defense. I am trying to learn how to let them go.

I owe a lot to the people who have loved me and made it possible to be safe without constant verbal self-defense. transcendancing  for example is profoundly skilled in this area and her delicacy and care have patched parts of my soul. maharetr  is a constant, gentle presence whose openness to dialogue I am grateful for every day. *beams* chaosmanor  and cupidsbow  who form the rest of my household are also profoundly safe people, meaning my home is not just hilarious and full of robots, but is also a haven. I'm also incredibly lucky in that my father has grown into a person who is profoundly kind and gentle, I did not expect it.

An excellent resource for describing the feminist-baiting dynamic is The Terrible Bargain We Have Regretfully Struck which identifies it clearly as bullying – a word that now carries considerable weight in work environments I have been in, and am now part of.

My beloved transcendancing is moving across the country, her stuff and her car are going too so we are making a road trip of it in late January.

If you want a postcard from somewhere on the way now is the time give me a postal address!

Yeah so plans for Sunday involve "a positive, family-friendly gathering to stand up for our vision for clean energy" - who else is coming?

Where: Perth Cultural Centre - James St Mall (note: location has changed!)
When: 11am Sunday June 5
Please share this event with your friends by clicking here.

Heading home from work yesterday I hit a moment of conscience when a loudly fighting guy and girl now designated A and B burst out of the tiny deli near my local train station and did a sort of angry yo-yo thing in and around the corner. I usually hang about if something like that flares up near me (presumed couples fighting) on the theory that at the very least having a witness doesn't hurt.

A dude further down the road and I hung about and observed for a little then wandered back to find the deli guy (F) with overturned chairs. The crowd of shouting people expanded to A & B plus 3 more guys (C, D & E) and included such winning phrases as ‘I’m not afraid to hit girls!” (C) My brother is going to get you!” (B) “He had a knife!” (A) the always awesome “I had to defend myself!” (F) and my personal favourite: “this is why we left Africa!” (D?)

I have no idea who started what; it vaguely seemed to be about someone (B? C?) wanting money from someone and B telling A off a lot but mostly it seemed shouty. We hung about and said soothing things like “Are you OK?” “I’m uncomfortable with all the threats of physical violence here” and “Would you like me to call the police?’ until eventually it wound down and the shouty people wandered off and caught a train. One of the guys (D?) did some sort of complicated but obviously peace-making handshaking ritual with Deli guy who was tiny and later said A & B had come in and A had tried to ‘fight him.’

I’m not sure what a really skillful intervention would look like, mostly I just provided uninvolved calmness - any suggestions on how to handle situations like this in the future?

I mapped out what I could see of the Elizabeth Moon / Wiscon discussion happening as part of my Ethics unit - I’m really impressed at how people are speaking and what I see as the values being expressed. It seemed to me that a critical value is that people should speak and not be silenced and that this core assumption then drove a lot of the ensuing discussion about who / when / where.

This is a first draft based on a reasonably quick pass through so please feel free to question / correct / improve if you feel it’s not accurate or appropriate.

Idea Sketch - first draft
( First draft in Idea Sketch )
Instaviz - second draft
( Second draft in Instaviz )
ETA: popplet third draft
( Third draft in popplet - v3.1 actually )

I also ended up reviewing three mind mapping apps for the ipad.

Judge strikes down Prop. 8, allows gay marriage in California [Updated]

Yay!

Prime Minister Gillard

...bloodless Parliament House coup.

ETA: We have a ranga PM! And, you know, the first female leader of Australia.
ETA: missyjack's lovely summary

Setting Boundaries... part the first is now up on liminal_boundaries. If you're interested in participating you are welcome.

I’ve been holding off doing this, I don’t feel like I have any new to say but given the Wincon related discussion and an incident at work recently it seems better to speak than not to.

chaosmanor, transcendancing and callistra and myself have created a DW community to act as a home to further discussion after Safe Spaces at Cons 2010. liminal_boundaries is where I (and others) will be posting.

My co-panellists and I propose to host discussions about anything and everything to do with boundaries, negotiating those boundaries, safe spaces, maintaining relationships and you know, anything else that crops up. Some stuff will be posted publicly, other stuff will be members only, so as to maintain a safe space for discussion.

You are invited and welcome to participate (or, you know, lurk if that's more your speed.) We ask that you treat topics and participants with respect and kindness, and that you bring with you a willingness to look within as well as without :)

I'll be posting (members only) semi-regular outlines of specific situations and inviting discussion. I'm interested in any scenarios people would like to propose for workshopping and can be contacted via DW messaging, comments or email me on black0samvara at gmail dot com.

¹Swancon2009 Safe Spaces at Cons mp3, 56:08 mins & 51.4MB (right-click and save). A broad introduction to and discussion of social etiquette at fan conventions.