Compliments!

[samvara]

Are technically expressions of praise, congratulations or encouragement and I'm all for developing the ability to respond to genuine offers with grace. It can however be a bit rough when you're being complimented for things you don't want to be complimented on because it puts you in the difficult position of kind of wanting to produce a gracious response while actually wanting to punch them. When does it stop being a gift and start being a poisoned apple?

I can tell you from past experience of being complimented on my skin then creepily touched (mid teens to mid 20's) that I have a mild aversion to personal compliments, and the not entirely unsubstantiated belief that sometimes we have very different agendas. I'm uncomfortable being complimented by a guy on my shoe choice in an MBA class. I'm not there to do the girl-boy dance, I'm there to use my brain. I want to be complimented on my humanity, or ethics, or leadership skills - or maybe for clear communication and quick thinking.

What do you want to be complimented on?

Comments

[juliet]

At the moment, compliments on my teaching skills are particularly well-received, because I've just started working as a cycle instructor and I'm trying *really hard* to get good at it. (Currently I'm doing OK for a brand new instructor, & getting positive feedback from mentor and co-instructors, so I'm happy about that.) I like being complimented on my intelligence or skills generally, really.

It's not, even, that I'm averse to compliments on my appearance *from the right people*. From my partners, or a friend telling me I'm looking good? Fantastic, although I do sometimes struggle to respond with the appropriate grace. From a random stranger? Ew. (As per a geekfeminism blog post I made a while back.)

I actually don't mind compliments on my choice of clothes -- that tends to feel (to me) less potentially-dubious than more direct appearance-related compliments. But it very much depends on context & on the person doing the commenting.

[samvara]

I read your geekfeminism post and appreciated it - and yeah, I think it's very context dependent and when it's made between someone whose culturally trained to judge and comment on female attractiveness and someone who is sensitive to that dynamic it feels really gross.

Which breaks down to... almost all male-female conversations where you're not already close?

[mynxii.livejournal.com]

Do you think that there is context at play here? As in, outside of your MBA situation would someone complimenting your shoes be more appropriate to you, and I'm asking inside of situations that include both strangers and people to whom you are either acquainted or friends with.

Also, I wonder is interpersonal language at play as well - does that affect the levels of appropriateness and welcomeness of compliments. Aka, someone being skeevy is perhaps unwelcome, but someone being thoughtful and clearly making efforts in the opposite direction, still unwelcome?

I'm interested in this and I think it's fascinating, complex and very personal. I'm just interested in your experiences of it (and if you're comfortable, may grab this as an interesting thoughts invitation post for the down under feminists carnival, as I think this highlights a very invisible thing, and I think is distinctly feminist related, feel free to decline or to indicate you'd prefer to do a more comprehensive write up, or to laugh loudly, but this thought enquiry is interesting and I love that you ask these questions!)

[black-samvara.livejournal.com]

I think it's socially constructed, it's a little like the straw that breaks the camel's back. It's not inherently gross, but it subtly reinforces a social norm that does not benefit me as a woman and then expects me to like it.

If you're going to compliment me on things that imply you have some sort of right to judge my attractiveness then you better have an existing relationship and understanding with me where I have given you permission to do so.

I'm not going to punish some guy for being oblivious, he can't see it and he's trapped by our cultural conditioning as well. But I am going to feel uncomfortable because *I* am aware of it and I didn't like it. Perhaps in the future I'll say 'Thank you, but I'd prefer to be complimented for my mind'

I'll think about it :)

[mynxii.livejournal.com]

Thank you for mentioning about this stuff - what you're saying makes total sense. Not sure where I personally stand atm, but am thinking on it since it's come up a few times in conversations lately.

[madame-red-au.livejournal.com]

i like compliments on my workd especially my sewing and i HATE it when people point out stuff that is look wise ie my "nice boobs"or my eyes. my eyes are just genetics, my boobs usually have a demeaning and superficial attachment to any comment bout them, they are not something i worked hard at.
is it wrong to feel like that?

[black-samvara.livejournal.com]

No it's not wrong. I think it's a pretty normal response, our culture tends to treat us like objects and this is a Bad Thing.

When we experience casual behaviour that reinforces it - and as an extra kick in the teeth we are under social pressure to be gracious about it - I think disliking it is a pretty understandable result.

[madame-red-au.livejournal.com]

ok good as i thought maybe i was just being too touchy and i know alot of the cosplays i do probably dont help but i should be able to wear a dress that works on me without people groping me, or like what happened at manifest, some chick actually stuf her hands down into my dress

[zebra363.livejournal.com]

All kinds are welcome!

[black-samvara.livejournal.com]

I appreciate your hair!

[cricketk.livejournal.com]

I like compliments that aren't:
* Backhanded, or
* Astonished that I've achieved basic competence in something

[black-samvara.livejournal.com]

Fabulous use of both legs in walking!
Great shoelace tying!
Magnificent approach to breathing!

Incidentally, doofus cannot breath the Spanish Breakfast from the Beaufort Street Merchant... it was a noble attempt

[ariaflame.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't mind the wii fit complimenting me on my breathing. One day I'll get to 4 star balance while breathing....

[shrydar.livejournal.com]

I welcome most compliments in most circumstances - it's subsequent behaviour that I sometimes have a problem with.

As in, sure, tell me my shirt is hot or my hair is sexy, but that doesn't mean you get to rip the former open or use the latter to drag me off into the corner.

I'm happy to be complimented on my shoes under pretty much any circumstances; just let me get back to browsing the bookstore if I'm obviously trying to move on :)

[juliet]

The trouble is that being able to separate out the compliment and the possible behaviour afterwards is something of a privilege; and one which broadly speaking goes along with gender. As a man you're less likely to experience the progression which goes compliment -> attempt to pressure into further interaction -> abuse (verbal/physical) and/or more pressure.

Compliments with intent or potential intent cause my heart to sink. Because hey, here we go into one of those no-win situations where either you cut it off early & the person goes all "but that wasn't what I meant at all! honestly!"; or you leave it, and the subtle pressure gets stronger & the discomfort level increases. In general, as a woman, one's "obviously trying to move on" signals are less likely to be paid attention to.

Plus there are the issues around the policing of women on the basis of appearance, and the expectations of that. Which again apply at the least, very differently to men.

[frogd.livejournal.com]

I'm (mostly) really uncomfortable with receiving compliments, but I'd prefer to be complimented on something I've done/have control over.

[grouchiegrrl.livejournal.com]

ha snap! I am having some weird compliment stuff going on at the moment too!

[lilysea.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty happy with all compliments from friends...
to me it's a context thing.

If a stranger compliments my dress, I feel creeped out and maybe a little scared. But if a friend compliments my dress, I'm pleased.

Having said that, what I would like most is more compliments about my actions, behaviour, or qualities.

But, I am genuinely pleased when oothoona compliments a top, or Claire tells me I look nice.

[fred-mouse.livejournal.com]

hmm, not sure about compliments to self - I get uncomfortable. But the things I value are presumably the ones that I tend compliment my kids on - "that was helpful/responsible/co-operative"; 'you must have worked hard to make/get that'. note though that I also compliment them on their looks, but some of that is complementing their competence - 'your hair looks really nice today' has the implicit 'you brushed it! without being asked! and presumably looked in the mirror at the same time!!!!!'

I don't tend to compliment for chores, but I do thank, which I don't think enough people do. People should be thanked for the trivial and quotidian on a regular basis, or they might stop doing the trivial and quotidian.

In a work setting, with people you see all the time, it can be nice to be complimented on an item of clothing/jewellery - to me it indicates that the person is seeing more than just the work that is being done. But this is with people who I see three days a week, every week - I always wear necklaces, but every now and then someone will comment on a particular one, and it is nice. (ah, possibly I'm conflating 'comment on' and 'compliment' here)