This had better be getting older and wiser...

[samvara]

It occurs to me as I move out of my tweens that for a girl who once had a job where "git yer fckn' clothes orf" was a friendly greeting and liked it (the job, not the dude). I've gone soft. I still hit various states of outrage, but I no longer have the energy to engage the way I used to.

I've finally turned invisible, I don't have to worry much about random men trying to hit on me, touch me, talk to my breasts or show me their bits. It's.... great. I look at my body and the combination of being just that extra bit older, and a bit fatter works like a magic invisibility cloak. Part of me wants to go out and get fit again, and part of me is pretty darn content.

And here I am, simultaneously appalled that living in the world in a fit, young, female body can be so challenging and really relieved that I don't have to cop it anymore.

This is probably a temporary state of mind, I'm tired, it's been a rough year, it's not over yet. I'm concentrating more on maintaining self and less on making the world a better place.

I'm sitting back and watching what other people are doing; hearing about ridiculous human acts of ignorance, fear and pain. I'm also hearing the other tales. The people out there who fill me with awe at their capacity for kindness, clarity of communication, breadth of vision and greatness of heart. It inspires me and is worthy of celebrating.

I'm thinking that how we engage over time is a function of energy (how much we have and where we spend it) and a function of perspective (I'm older and I don't want to spend my entire life fighting the same battles) and I guess I'm looking for ways to engage that suit me better.

Comments

[willowgypsy.livejournal.com]

I've finally turned invisible ... this is interesting to me. I understand that you feel you are invisible to people you may have been move visible for in the past, but in the places you matter...now... you are incredibly visible.

The way you engage with the world now (in the only time I have known you) was the main thing that made me want to find out more and spend time in what feels peaceful, intelligent and gentle... i.e. the 'visible you'

I am with you on the energy thing and the 'choosing our battles' thing. Treating yourself gently is an art and allowing yourself to feel but not react in an extreme, energy-sapping way, is... a blessing.

And finally, cos this is almost a post not a comment ... I think this: maintaining self and less on making the world a better place... has the potential to make the world a better place. Sometimes we are so focussed on the external and the 'world' we forget to look to 'self' and to our own back yard.

*shrugs* Random thoughts on a lazy Saturday.

[black-samvara.livejournal.com]

Ah, see that's not what I'm saying. I've not expressed myself well enough - and thank you for the loving comments.

I'm invisible to the people who brought the battle to me.

FREE!

This is an opportunity to walk away - unfortunately in many other battles you can't just grow out of being black / gay / female / poor / oppressed.

So here I am, trying to find a way to ethically deal with the fact I really like being out of it and yet knowing that it is, frankly, a luxury,

[mynxii.livejournal.com]

Aki ran a sonic screwdriver over a tazar for me, and I asked her to replicate it so we can have one each.

Now if only it would pop out of the lj text into reality.

I hear what you're saying. It's not just this year that you've found hard - last year was just as challenging in its own way.

I love you deeply and dearly and I am hear with you to share the energy, the vision of awe and to affect the world in our own special way that will hopefully, make a lasting difference.

[tiger-75.livejournal.com]

big love from the borrom of my stripey heart beloved friend of mine...

[black-samvara.livejournal.com]

It was so good to be able to spend a couple of weeks with you.

[karalyssa.livejournal.com]

This post of yours resonates on so many levels...

Hiding behind extra weight has been a strategy of mine for several years now and one I am not particularly happy with. I found it much more difficult to confront statements implying (or outright stating) that I received a job, grade, assistance or whatever based on my gender and the associated assumptions of sexual avail/vuner- ability though.

I used to hope that getting older would mean it got less. It has, but it bothers me that it never really goes away. I am also aware that being a veteran of some of those battles carries scars (thoughts, habits) that don't seem to fade that fast. The energy to fight/engage definitely seems to ebb and flow and alternatives feel thin on the ground at the moment, I think this is a function of low energy levels and a need to retire and regroup perhaps...

Good luck in searching for new strategies, I am confident that, given time, we'll each find them!

[black-samvara.livejournal.com]

[hug] the world is a complex and interesting place is it not?