Blade Trinity @ 6.45pm

[samvara]

Oh my God it was terrible: rarely have I laughed so hard. If it hadn't been for Ryan Reynolds' abs I don't think I could have made it through the movie but thankfully ascetic_hedony's giggles in the next seat and the manly posing kept me entertained.

Blade Trinity in 10 mins

Vampires seek hideous buried vampire warrior in Iraq; damn they buried a lot of bad things in those deserts.

KABOOM! Many big explosions!

BLADE: Look! I am incapable of showing emotion. Do I look hot in these sunglasses or what?
AUDIENCE: It's the middle of the night Blade..
BLADE: OMG the vampires are driving away!
WHISTLER: Ah but we planned ahead, jump on my huge truck and drive your hotted up car out to battle evil.

KABOOM! Exploding cars!

BLADE: Gah! This vampire isn't turning to dust! Bad vampire bad!
HUMAN: Duh! *dies*

DANICA: Mmmm BladeCam(TM)

FBI: Freak!
DR VANCE: Freak!

WHISTLER: Freak! I mean; will you still need me, will you still feed me. When I'm sixty-four.
WHISTLER: Arhhh. The FBI I must blow everything up - including myself!

KABOOM! Exploding EVERYTHING

BLADE: Whistler! I must surrender and not cry in a manly way.
DR VANCE: Guess what! I'm a vampire's minion; look at my funky tattoo.
DANICA: I am a ho' and now you are all miiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

CRASH! Exploding glass windows!

KING: I will save you from the vampires.. hey where did you go!
ABI: I will save you from the vampires.. hey where did he go?
BLADE: Forgot my sword.

ABI: This is our funky secret hideout and this is our plot device! I mean little girl!
BLADE: How do you pay for this stuff?
KING: I date a lot of older men.
BLADE: I must work alone, you are too young and innocent-
KING: -did you hear what I said about the older men? *pulls down front of jeans* I have a funky tattoo and am far to buff to die.
BLADE: And yet, I have a sword.
ABI: We have a plan to eliminate all vampires with a secret genetically modified tomato.
KING: All we need is a little DNA from Dracula.. known as 'Drake' to his buddies
BLAKE: Meh, lets go hit people.

Far too many 80's power chords later..

MINION: Bungee!
BLAKE: Give me your telephone!
KING: Ah man.. we're supposed to be fighting vampires.
MINION: No no take it, it's yours.
BLAKE: Fuck this; lets go see my new shrink.

DR VANCE: *dies*
DRAKE: I have a deep sexy voice and I shall destroy you alllll
KING: Arhh, he stabbed me.. butbut I'm too hot to die!
DRAKE: I am winning and yet, I shall flee.
BLADE: Oh for god's sake. Put the baby down.. I have a sword you know!

KING: *bleeds*
ABI: Superglue!
KING: See! So hot!

ABI: We must discover the vampire's secret plans!
KING: I shall lie here and be bare chested for a while; look at these sculpted abs.

FBI CHIEF: Gah, I thought I was alone at this super secret vampire base.
BLADE: Just open the fucking door.
FBI CHIEF: Humans as batteries! They started farming us for energy.. oops wrong movie.

DRAKE: I keeel you all - oh look, a little girl.

ABI: Oh no, they took King's washboard abs and our little girl!
GEEKYGUY: I have created a small amount of the secret formula, just get some Drake blood and all vampires will die horribly!
BLADE: There's only one thing for it! An 80's preparation-for-battle montage.. start getting dressed girl.
ABI: I must practice firing arrows faster and faster from my mighy bow.
4 hours later
ABI: My outfit is perfectly co-ordinated except for this stupid bike.
BLADE: It matches *my* outfit.

DRAKE: You are going to die little girl.
GIRL: I'm going to heaven!
DRAKE: ..very soon.

DANICA: Look at the evidence of ultimate evil!
KING: You created a vampire pomeranian?
DANICA: Vampires shall rule the world!
KING: Yeah yeah. Want to see my left buttock?

BLADE: I am here to battle evil!
KING: Great! Just unchain me and I'll help.. hey! Come back!
ABI: I am here to battle evil!
KING: Yay! You brought me a change of clothes, this pair of sexy low slung jeans is so yesterday.
ABI: And kind of whiffy too..

BLADE: *battles evil*
ABI: *battles evil*
KING: *battles pomeranian*

DRAKE: I have a big sword!
BLADE: I have a big sword too.. we are so manly.
DRAKE: I must take off more clothes; this red corset is so restricting..
BLADE: Don't mind me, I'm just here to battle evil.

ABI: I have a super arrow with secret formula in the head, I shall fire it at Drake!
DRAKE: Ahaha! I have caught your vital arrow in midair, I shall just put it down here next to Blade.
BLADE: *stabs*
DRAKE: I am dying!
BLADE: Pity really, no-one else around here can handle a sword.
DRAKE: It was a fine manly battle but all vampires are not dead because hellooo Blade, you're a vampire.
DRAKE: *dies*

BLADE: I must fight on to rid the world of evil: even though the virus should have killed all vampires there are still the deadly pomeranians..